The camera swoops in and finds a news anchor with a youthful demeanor sitting behind a desk. He’s shuffling papers that seem to have no writing on them while an unseen audience cheers like it’s a college prep rally. He addresses his audience.Jon Stewart: Welcome back to ‘The Daily Show’, I’m Jon Stewart.
Beat. Wait a minute, no I’m not. And this isn’t ‘The Daily Show’ at all. It is a written scene that does not involve the living, breathing Jon Stewart in any way, shape or form. It has nothing to do with ‘The Daily Show’, ‘Comedy Central’ or even basic cable.
He stares with wide eyes for a beat then shrugs. But, you know, we’re here so what the hell?
He looks over to Camera Two.Jon Stewart: Our guest tonight is an aspiring playwright, Johnny Blaze Leavitt, who’s latest work is a (and I quote) “a coming of age S&M love story” titled ‘Hurt So Good.’ Let’s see a clip!
Jon spins in his chair as the TV screen is filled with a scene from ‘Hurt So Good’.
Scene: A typical college apartment’s kitchen. It’s small, unkempt and nothing matches. Seated around the table are TOM and his roommate and co-worker KELLER.
Keller: You’re going to have to tell them sometime.
Tom: Will I?
Keller: Tom, you’re pretending to make a film about S&M just to score points with your girlfriend! Don’t you think when people go to see the film and there’s no actual film-
Tom: Now wait, there is an actual film!
Keller: But not a good one! You’re too distracted! You’re focus isn’t “How can I teach the world about S&M.” It’s “How quickly can I become this kinky weirdo Master for my submissive girlfriend so she won’t dump me!”
Tom: Keep your voice down! She’s still sleeping.
Keller: Do I get to meet her or are you going to kick me out again so you two can play Dungeons & Drag Queens?
Tom: Is that joke even yours?
Tom fishes some money out of his pocket. Here’s five bucks. Go to the movies.
Keller: Gee, I wonder what’s playing in 1974…? ‘Cuz that’s when movies were five bucks, you jackass!
The bedroom door opens and out steps CECILY, a small woman with large eyes. She’s in pink flannel pajamas. Tom tenses.
Cecily: What’s all the shouting about?
Tom: Nothing. Keller’s just being, well, Keller.
Keller: And you love it.
Tom: Cecily, this is my best friend Keller. Kell, this is Cecily.
Cecily: It’s nice to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you.
They shake hands.Keller: Likewise. So you’re a submissive, eh?
Cecily freezes, the looks at Tom. She can only see Tom’s left eye as the rest of his face is buried in his hands. Keller, not noticing or caring, barks:Keller: Go make me some coffee. Now!
Beat.
Cecily: You’re an ass.
She storms off.
Tom: Thanks a lot.
Tom smacks the back of Keller’s head as he chases off after Cecily. Keller is left alone at the table. He pulls Tom’s bowl of Fruit Loops over to him and takes a spoonful. He says simply to no one in particular:
Keller: Huh. I like her.
The screen quickly cuts away from the clip and reveals a wide-eyed Jon Stewart looking like a deer caught in headlights. The audience laughs and let’s out a few yelps.
Jon Stewart: For those of you that were hoping for a hotter clip…
He trails off, looks away and shrugs. He very rapidly follows up with… Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, I’m wearing leather underpants. Please welcome Johnny Blaze Leavitt. Johnny Blaze!
The crowd cheers (and why not?) as a young man walks onto the Daily Show set. He has spikey hair, a goatee, and is clad in a black velvet tuxedo jacket, button down shirt and blue jeans. He shakes Jon Stewart’s hand and sits.
Jon Stewart: Sit. Welcome. Nice to have you on the show.
Johnny Blaze: Thanks, it’s great to be here.
Jon Stewart: So, first, I’ve gotta ask… “Johnny Blaze Leavitt”? Are you, like, the Jewish Method Man?
Johnny laughs.
Johnny: No, Blaze is my middle name. And I’m not Jewish.
Jon Stewart: Really?
He leans in and whispers in a conspiratorial tone. Seriously, it’s ok to say so in Hollywood now. You can trust me.
Johnny just laughs and Jon Stewart leans back in his chair.
Jon Stewart: So this play, ‘Hurt So Good’, tell me a little about it.
Johnny Blaze: Well, it’s basically a story about two people who have always loved each other but just had really bad timing about getting together. And when they finally do, that’s when she reveals that she needs to be dominated for the relationship to, you know, work.
The women in the audience cheer louder than the men. Jon Stewart flashes them a bashful boyish face.
Jon Stewart: “I order you to order me!”
Beat. See, I can’t get away with that.
Johnny Blaze: It
is tricky.
Jon Stewart: I’ll bet. But let me ask you this.
Jon hits the desktop and then points at Johnny Blaze. This is staged in such a way - or written, I should say, as a documentary film?
Johnny Blaze: Yes.
Jon Stewart: On stage.
Johnny Blaze: Yes.
Jon Stewart: You just blew my mind.
Johnny Blaze: The story goes that in order for Tom, who knows nothing about BDSM or anything, to find out about it all, he makes a documentary on that lifestyle.
Jon Stewart: I did the same thing. My wife said “Honey, host the news or we’re done!” And I still don’t know how to do it.
Johnny Blaze: I think you’re a riot.
Jon Stewart: Thank you. But getting back to this, why tell this story? Why now?
Johnny takes a long breath before giving a short explanation.
Johnny Blaze: Well, it’s a very volatile time right now for sex and sexuality. You’ve got an administration whose whole philosophy is “Sex is dirty and shouldn’t be mentioned anywhere until you’re married” and yet BDSM or S&M is popping up everywhere: TV shows, movies, fashion, even in advertising. From automobiles to Altoids.
Jon Stewart: And let me just say this, Altoids?
He rolls his eyes up and takes a beat. They hurt SO good!
The audience laughs and John’s chin disappears into his neck as he giggles at his own silliness.
Jon Stewart: I agree, though, sex is a controversial issue these days.
Johnny Blaze: It’s only controversial because the powers that be tell us we shouldn’t talk about it.
Jon Stewart: In this play, you point out that some people can lose their jobs over being ‘out’ about this lifestyle.
Johnny Blaze: Being into BDSM now is like being homosexual in the 1950’s. It’s shrouded in ignorance and negative stigmas but in reality is far more common than anyone expects.
Jon takes a moment and puts on his ‘serious’ demeanor.Jon Stewart: I, uh, I too am in a, uh, a relationship where I’m ordered to do humiliating a degrading acts… for someone else’s amusement. See, I just had a kid and, well…
Jon instructs the show’s crew… Show them the picture I have, there.
We see a picture of Jon Stewart’s face. He’s CLEARLY feeling depressed and humiliated. The camera zooms back and we see why. Jon is dressed in a homemade “Death to Smoochie” dinosaur costume while an infant in diapers and a “daddy is my bitch!” baby t-shirt points and laughs at him. We hear the audience howl with laughter. As the camera comes back to Jon in the studio, he’s waving off the audience’s applause.
Jon Stewart: Don’t. Don’t encourage him.
He goes back to addressing Johnny Blaze. So was it hard for you to tell your theatre group or your cast or, you know, tell me about any of that. What do your parents think of the play?
Johnny swallows a smile.
Johnny Blaze: They don’t know. I told them I’m adapting 'The DaVinci Code' to the stage.
Jon Stewart’s eyes narrow and he strokes his chin.
Jon Stewart: Very shrewd, my friend. Well played.
Johnny Blaze: I don’t let many folks in on my comings and goings.
Jon Stewart: I don’t think you can say that on basic cable.
Johnny Blaze: But the few friends that had to be let in on a few stories behind my play? Well, you know, everyone reacts differently. Some people just shrugged, some people freaked out, some people are just idiots and want to gossip.
Jon Stewart: Gossip? In the entertainment industry?!
With mock indignity I do not believe your lies.
Punching every word I said good day! :
Johnny Blaze: It’s bad enough society puts sex lives on trial but when your inner circle does-
Jon Stewart: So this is or is not based on true events? Tell me.
He bangs the table. Don’t wait for the translation!
Johnny laughs and runs his fingers through his hair.
Johnny Blaze: It’s all fiction. The characters are made up, the situations, the scenarios, it’s all fiction. But there’s a lot of truth in the ‘documentary’ aspects, the instructional parts.
Jon Stewart: Let me ask you one more thing and then we’ve gotta go to commercial. Was it difficult then, writing such a… such a personal piece about a taboo topic?
Johnny Blaze: It was tricky to find the balances; making it informative yet entertaining, making it feel like a documentary yet with a driving story, sexy enough to entertain the ‘in’ crowd yet not too over the top to alienate the vanilla crowd. I’ll be very interested to see what the audience thinks.
Jon Stewart:
fumbling with his tie I’m, uh, I’m more of a, uh, Cherry Garcia crowd myself.
Johnny Blaze: I’ve heard that about you.
Jon Stewart makes a fist in front of his mouth as he let’s out another giggle.
Jon Stewart:
very rapidly Well, thanks for coming down. The play is called ‘Hurt So Good’. Look for it this September, it’s sure to be an exciting time! Johnny Blaze Leavitt, everyone!
Johnny waves to the crowd as the camera zooms back. The Daily Show’s theme plays as the audience cheers and yells. Jon Stewart leans in and he and Johnny Blaze continue to talk and laugh, probably at their own jokes.
Blackout.*No one from The Daily Show was harmed in the writing of this FAKE interview. Cross my heart.
